Kristjan Knall: Fuck Berlin

A Not-Guide

Kristjan Knall: Fuck Berlin
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I am really sorry you live in Grimsby, the banlieue of Lyon, Podgorica or some other bumfuck nowhere. Which, at least from here in Berlin, is pretty much anywhere in the world. But guess what, Berlin is not a single fuck better. Actually, it's a shithole of epic proportions. Don't believe the hype, or you are going to be the fuckwit of the month. You won't earn money here, you won't have fun, in spite of the tons of drugs you will be taking, you will not meet your partner, soul-companion, no real friends, or even people who won't fuck you over at any given opportunity. You will be left as a bloated, syringe mark riddled corpse on the sidewalk best ignored, but most likely be pissed on by Berliners. And they won't even be drunk.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not another racist pamphlet. They usually don't work out well in Germany. If anything, it's racist against Germans, and specifically, against Berliners. Thinking is the most unhealthy disease in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any disease. Luckily, in Berlin at any rate, thought is not catching. The fact is, they are the scum of the earth. If you stay here long enough, you will be too. 12 years, to be exact, and in Germany everything is exact. The reason? Don't ask, you traitorous pig. Just follow orders.

 

How it got that way, is a bit of a mystery. An ugly, chaotic, but at times absurdly funny mystery. So, if there's any way you can be diverted from coming here, or at least don't want to fall that hard, read on and see what an admitted asshole Berliner has to say. What's more, do you hate guide books? Good, because they are shit, unless you want to cue for hours at a fucking museum with thousands of people. Why is it that we always go to exhibitions, museums, historic sites and other crap that we wouldn't even give a firstt glance at home? Because we are bored, we don't know what to do, and where. So here is all the info you need to go to the dark corners, enjoy abject eccentricity, and get smashed like there is no tomorrow.

 

I've written a shitload of books about Berlin and way too often stammering twats come along and ask for an English version, while getting his purse nicked by a friend of mine. Don't you get insulted enough? So, yeah, as we're all so fucking international, here you have it, all unfiltered, all way too real. Oh, and be prepared to lose all your cushy illusions through vicious thoughts and obscenely strong language, you whiny little cunt.

 

Warum also soll man sich mit einem weiteren dieser Autoren treffen? Zumal der Verlag auch noch

selbst davor warnt."

- Der Tagesspiegel, 19.3.2013.

"Fast durchgängige Meinung: Kristjan Knall hat einen Knall."

- Berliner Kurier, 19.2.2013

"Vieles an Knalls Beschreibungen ist maßlos übertrieben und landet oft unter der Gürtelline."

- Berliner Morgenpost, 24.3.16.

"Dass er in der Verkleidung wie eine jüngere Ausgabe von Helge Schneider wirkt, war ihm nicht bewusst, ist ihm aber recht."

- Süddeutsche Zeitung, 28.11.14

"Im Online-Auftritt des Berliner Kuriers hinterlässt ein Leser am 18. Februar in der Kommentarspalte hinter dem Bericht über die Flaggenverbrennung folgende Nachricht: "Für den Vogel sollten wir Berliner sammeln, um ihm ein Ticket nach Russland zu spendieren, am besten dorthin, wo der Meteorit runtergekommen ist. Oder an die Elfenbeinküste, da kann er ja dann die Menschen weiter beleidigen. Mal sehen, was die dann mit ihm machen."

- Cicero, 20.6.2013

 

Weiteres vom Meister des Abfucks:

 

Berlin zum Abkacken. Eulenspiegel, 2013

111 Gründe Berlin zu hassen. Schwarzkopf, 2016

Stoppt die Klugscheißer!. Eulenspiegel, 2013

Europa ist geil, nur hier nicht. Eulenspiegel 2014

 

Edition Umsonst:

 

Fuck Berlin - A Not-Guide, 2022

Wir Lügner – wie Google uns uns entlarvt, Bookrix, 2017

Als Mehmet Yildiz: Neukölln, ein Frontbericht.

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